Wednesday, January 04, 2006

New Year, Long Movie

Happy New Year!!
...sigh..I'm sad to say it...
Kong is Long!
I had a very satisfactory 17 days of vacation. Yes Sir, I did. I only regret about six hours of it. Three hours that I spent looking for a " Evonable" toy, (that's what my nephew calls the Abominable "Bumble" Snowmonster from the Rudolph special), two hours spent being brainwashed by Pingu (a DVD I got my nephew which is more addicting then crack), and one hour spent viewing King Kong. That's the hour of poor special effects and unneeded excessive adventuring that should have been hidden behind a "special features" or "deleted scenes" menu. Mr. Jackson somehow forgot and left these annoying bits in the movie. Some scenes, like the "Brontosaurus Stampede" would have been just as effective if they just filmed the actors running with ten foot cardboard cutouts of Bronto feet duct-taped to their backs. At least I would have been afraid they might get paper cuts.
Of course if they'd just given me the theater's remote, I would have been happy to fast forward to the wonderful scenes involving Ann Darrow and Kong's moving and endearing relationship. Unlike the original one sided sexual context of the Kong/Darrow relationship, this movie is far more believable and touching. She needs him to protect her and he sees her as an entertaining and amazing object to possess, adore and eventually care for. In a way, she becomes his confidant, after years alone in a brutal world of monsters. I always thought that it was very unlikely that Kong would actually see Ann as a mate, her being about a tenth of his size and all. If that were naturally probable, there would surely be a lot of house cats with Leopard Spots or Chihuahuas with little rum kegs around their necks (if that's above your head be glad). With that handy remote, I mentioned before, I could have easily navigated the audience through to the two hours of the movie that was actually well made and gripping. My suggestion to Mr. Jackson is to learn from this and give us a non-extended version when you release Kong on DVD, a Diet Kong that drops at least 60 minutes of that unsightly celluloid.


Who is John Cena ? I don't know. I had no idea he was a wrestler when I saw his Old Skool Rap Parody video " Bad, Bad Man." So I can't lie to you or do a disservice to him and not tell you how much I loved it. Not only is it fun and funny, but it reminds me what I miss from a lot of modern music. Rap that has flow to make you feel like jumping on the party wagon as it drives through your neighborhood. It's not Public Enemy or KRS ONE , but it might fit in the fun section with a Prince Paul sound among the " Black Sheep" or " 3rd Bass " squeezing a little "Pop Goes the Weasel" at ya! I linked everything, in case you have no idea what I'm talking about. (While your at it, check out all the groups in the " Native Tongues Posse " That's when Hip Hop was Hip Hop!) The John Cena video is linked too, so check it out and then tell me you didn't laugh with glee. The 80's--when there was only one King of "Bling".

Ultimate Avengers: Straight to DVD
Check out the link above, there's a little trailer and I guess, a little hope that this could be a tenth as good as the "Ultimates" book is. I doubt it, but I hope there's more grit than the late 90's Cartoon had. Here's what I mean
Comic Book Hawkeye
- a little gritty, witty and cool.
Ultimate Hawkeye
- Big, Bad Badasss.
90's Cartoon Hawkeye
- Honorary Power Ranger.
Wheee! My arrows really shoot!

How Bout the Big Man:
Comic Book Hulk
-Leave Hulk alone to eat Yummy, Delicous snacks (and Clingwrap?)
Ultimate Hulk
- Leave Hulk alone to eat Yummy, Delicous New Yorkers!
90's Cartoon Hulk
- Leave Hulk alone on rental store shelf to eat dust.
For more on the Ultimates check out the link below.

John Hughes Where Are You?
I rented Sky High this weekend and after all my scorn, I admit, I actually thought it was fun. Like a toned down John Hughes film about superhero teens, but without any drug or sex references, (because it's Disney fool!). What ever happened to those wholesome 80's movies about kids getting high and trying to "DO IT?" What happened to teens being played by 27 year olds in silly comedies that focused on teenage urges, but still seemed innocent and laughable with their intense reverence for sexual experience and sports cars? Nowadays these kids leave the Mickey Mouse Club, do fun teeny movies for about four to six years and then, like Ann Hathaway just did, pop up nude snorting cocaine in some Teen Gangsta film ( Havoc ) in order to terminate their kid movie appeal and be taken seriously as an actress (In Hollywood, "snorting coke naked" = "getting taken seriously as an actress"). If you don't believe me remember Jennifer Beals? Britney Spears? Michelle Trachtenberg? Natalie Portman? (I really could go on and on) and here comes the new crew, the Lohans, the Duffs and those Billionaire twins of Uncle Jessie (not the Dukes.) We seem pretty obsessed with the blossoming of womanhood, and while I admit I loved Scarlett Johansson in "Lost In Translation", it's still pretty creepy. 26 year old actresses can't get jobs in Hollywood least until they're old enough to play the "Hot Mom" character.
"Why can't you find a nice girl your own age?"
(Stop checking out her Mom!)
I'm Sweet.... no wait... I'm Intense.



This sucks! Why can't they show this show more? They seem able to show Power Puff Girls and Aqua Teen Hunger Force fifty times a day! But they show this once a year, even though everyone I know wants to watch it!!

Fans hoping to see new episodes of Cartoon Network's Justice League Unlimited in the new year are going to have to wait a while longer.

According to a representative of the network, plans are for the show to return in late spring/summer. No definitive dates have been scheduled.

According to Continuum sources, the show's future also remains undecided.
The last episodes of Justice League Unlimited to air were consecutive weekends of back-to-back episodes last fall. "I Am Legion" and "Shadow of the Hawk" aired on Sept. 17 and "Chaos at Earth's Core" and "To Another Shore" aired on Sept. 24.
In other JLU news, Geoff Johns worked on a second Hawkman episode.


Masters Of The Universe?
Weren't they just Masters of two castles in a medieval village?

According to all over the damn web, Smallville star John Glover has been signed to play Skeletor in John Woo's newest attempt to become unrecognizable to fans of his early work such as myself. Why anyone would redo He-Man is the second most unanswerable question in the Universe. The first is of course, why did anyone make the first He-Man movie?

I was never a fan of He-Man in the 80's, I liked the Transformers and GI Joe. He-Man seemed too silly and naked to take seriously. Now I realize he was ground breaking. Look above. This is a hero who actually could wear pink! And not only pink, but Lavender fur underwear and matching pantyhose! When he powered up, did he put on a mask or a cape? No way! He simply stripped down into a metal strapped bondage top and undies and sprayed on some tanning product! Even though he basically looks the same in and out of his super suit, no one thinks He-Man is Prince Adam simply because Prince Adam wouldn't be caught dead in a brown fur bikini bottom! Either that or they're just very polite. All this was in front of the eyes of the American family TV audience. He-Man stood proud with his rainbow of friends and villains, each representing a different mood, animal, culture, robot or smell.

I still think Snakeyes is cooler.
Below, Yanni is dressed as Prince Adam, I don't know why
but it certainly doesn't help He-Man's case, does it?


More, Sigh....More Batman Rumors
Who is up for the role of Harvey Dent this week? Josh Lucas is the name everyone is buzzing about all over the place. Harvey Dent is of course Gotham's fierce District Attorney, who one day (sources say not in the next movie, but perhaps in Batman 3) will be horribly scarred by a vial of acid splashed onto one half of his face by a vengeful Mafia Don, turning Bruce Wayne's close confidant and pal into one of The Batman's more dangerous and psychotic villains "Two-Face!" Actually, aren't they all dangerous and psychotic? Except the Penguin. He's just a short guy in a tuxedo with an umbrella. Come to think of it, how'd he ever become a major Batman villian? He's right up there behind "Crook with a gun #56528." In the movies, they made him tougher by giving him the body/powers of a human-sized Penguin. I would have just kept the umbrellas.
Josh, you may remember, was "Major Glenn Talbot" in Ang Lee's "Hulk" which everyone hated but me. He's been in a bunch of stuff, but I haven't seen most of it, Something with Jaime Fox and Jessica Beal, where they're all pilots fighting a robot pilot, but Jaime just got the Oscar so they tried to make you think he was the star in the trailer even though he was only the "let's kill the black friend " guy. He was also in the Reese Witherspoon, "I'm going home to divorce the guy I hate for my NY boyfriend, but I end up loving the ex-husband and I marry him all over again" "Philadelphia Story" rip off.

He made a good Glenn Talbot.

I wonder who will be rumored next week.

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