Thursday, May 18, 2006

Bumblebee's A Camaro???

El Mayimbe over at Latinoreview, a fine movie news site, has the latest scoop on the new Transformers film. He's read the script and he's ready to hug a puppy! Unfortunately, from his review, I get an entirely different opinion. Puppies should stay far away from me for the time being. I'm starting to worry. I feel reality bending. I feel "Artistic license" gripping tightly around a robotic neck and throttling it.

El Mayimbe spends four or five paragraphs defending himself as a huge Transformers fan and defending Michael Bay, of whose movies El Mayimbe says:

"I absolutely loved 'The Rock,' 'Armageddon' (have both the criterion collection dvds of those two) 'Bad Boys 1 and 2.' I even enjoyed his so-called flop 'The Island.' Yes, he is a talkback whipping boy and unfairly so, but I love the guy and will always see his films. He is what popcorn cinema is about and I absolutely love the visual language of his films, the richness of his color palette, his camera moves, the whole nine. So as a hardcore Transformers fan, I'm telling my fellow fans to let the man do his thing. We're in good hands."

Right off the bat I don't trust this fine fellow. He seems to love what I hate and hate what I love. Again, "the lesson of 'The Lord of the Rings,' 'Spider-man' and 'X-Men': If you care about the characters, the action becomes hundreds of times more dramatic and engaging." Here's where I start to worry:

"On the Autobot end, the leader OPTIMUS PRIME, his first lieutenant JAZZ (exotic car), IRONHIDE (the pickup truck) the weapons specialist forged in the Tri-Peninsular Torus states of Praxus, RATCHET (the ambulance) the medical officer, emissary to the High Council of ancients and last but not least BUMBLEBEE (camaro). Bay himself said on his site that the names will be changed other than the main few. That mainly applies to the Decepticons I think because in the script the Autobots, refer to each other in dialogue as the above names. These are the main and only Autobots. In the script we are told the Autobot names have been selected to approximate their behavioral temperaments.Now the Decepticons. The names could change if the names in the script are aliases as Bay alleges, but you can't change the character descriptions in the script of what they are. So I am going by what is currently written in this draft and the names or so called aliases given. Me personally, I don't know why there is such a big stink over the names. So what?! I think it is a bad idea to change the names. Anyways the Decepticons, of course there is MEGATRON, then there is the latest F-22 RAPTOR (BAD ASS!) tentatively titled STARSCREAM, an M-1 ABRAMS TANK tentatively titled DEVASTATOR, a MINE CLEARING VEHICLE tentatively titled BONECRUSHER, an MH-53 PAV SPECIAL OPS CHOPPER tentatively titled VORTEX, a POLICE CAR tentatively titled BRAWL, the MECHANICAL SCORPION Quint saw at Bay's offices tentatively titled SKORPONOK, and my favorite little decepticon ' a BOOMBOX that transforms into the 4 ½ foot SOUNDWAVE. The only Decepticon mentioned by name in this draft by Megatron is Starscream. If I were a betting man, I would bet the house that Starscream would still be Starscream when the film comes out. The names might change, but I would also bet the house that the Decepticon vehicles remain the same as currently written and as I described above because they play into the story as currently written."

Characters: why we love the Transformers. Bumblebee, Jazz, Starscream, Soundwave, Megatron, Ironhide, Sideswipe...Optimus Prime! Without great heroes of nobility like Prime, innocents like Bumblebee and villains like Starscream and Megatron, it's just a bunch of robots. Yes I know giant transforming robots are cool, but not as cool by far as giant transforming robots who we know and love. Is G.I.Joe just about soldiers? Would it be the same if they threw out Snake-eyes and Scarlett and called them Silent Mac and Red Sally!

So why am I complaining? The characters seem to still be there right? Maybe they won't change them.... In Hollywood, not Brian Singer's Hollywood or Sam Raimi's Hollywood, but deffinately in Michael Bay's, old Skool Hollywood, the Hollywood of Jon Peters' 'Superman II' and 'Batman and Robin', intellectual property is torn to shreds in attempts by producers and directors to attach there own ideas to a project, even at the cost of the original meaning or essence of the property. Why? Simply for ownership reasons. If you change something major in a movie, everyone knows you did it, you may get extra points in the profit or part of the toy that is inspired by your idea. But the real reason is to mark the project like a dog and say "I was Here!!"

Why did Superman throw a giant plastic "S" at Zod's henchman? Why did Batgirl have blonde hair and why was she related to Alfred instead of Commissioner Gordon? Why did Zod and crew have the ability to shoot lasers out of their fingers and dissapear? Why did Batman say "I'll get Drive thru?" Why did Superman have the ability to create mutiple images of himself? Why Bat Nipples? Every decision is a clear effort by a producer or director to have a personal mark that they could say they added.

You can bet your last bag of crack that Michael Bay would love to see "Michael Bay's The Transformers" on the title if they'd let him. He's that kind of guy. So when I hear the names may change, when I hear that Bumblebee isn't a VW Beetle, when I see wide sweeping alteration coming, I wonder how slippery the slope is.

If Optimus becomes a school bus I'm going home to cry.

Below some more bits of interest about the plot:

What was the original Television series about? What were both the Decpticons and Autobots after that was depleted on their home planet of Cybertron?

The Energon Cube. A supreme power that imbues the Transformers with the gift of 'spark' the life force within all the Transformers.
So in a nutshell, Optimus Prime and the Autobots have to find the Energon Cube on Earth before Megatron and the Decepticons do. That is what the Transformer Movie coming next year in 2007 is simply all about. The Autobots and the Decepticons each have their reasons for finding the Energon cube, but I won't spoil it here. Just know that is what the script is about.

The script opens 1 million years before the dawn of man with the energon cube hurtling through space on it's path towards Earth. A narrator tells us that the ravages of war destroyed Cybertron, a war raged between the legions who worship chaos and those who follow freedom. They battled for a supreme power, the Energon Cube. It's origin unknown yet it bears the life-force that created the transformer race. They fought until their world was awash in death until the very ground swallowed whole their once mighty cities and the cube was lost to the limitless stars. Then by fortune or fate, its course was altered, drawn to a planet called Earth. They have searched for the cube across desserts of time, hoping to find it before the dark legions, but as fate would have it, they were already too late.

We are then in the artic circle in 1897 on a national Antarctic expedition and focus on a derelict sailing vessel trapped in ice. The crew works desperately to free the ship. The dogs bark, there is something in the ice. The captain, two men and the dogs go out over the artic shelf and look at whatever is buried under the ice. A huge rift opens, one of the dogs and the captain falls into a 30ft fissure. We pull back and see the captain standing on the palm of a giant steel hand, half in and half out of the ice. A mechanized face is embedded within the ice wall, expression frozen in a scream. The Captain wipes away ice to reveal symbol on the mechanoid the Decepticon emblem. The captain takes a pick axe and stars chopping away at the ice to take a better look, activates something on the robot's chasis and something happens.

- After the blockbuster opening we meet SAM WITWICKY at Tranquility high school, the unfortunate yet adorable dork that he is, his love interest MIKALELA BARNES, her asshole boyfriend TRENT DEMARCO. We also meet Sam's Chihuahua MOJO.

- Sam's father RON picks him up after school and they meet up with a shady car dealer BOBBY BOLIVIA. Since Ron got 3 A's, his dad got four grand to buy Sam a car. Sam ends up buying a 75 Camaro, which we by now all know is BUMBLEBEE. The Autobot emblem is on the steering wheel.

Check out the whole story HERE!


Anonymous said...

dont you mean "Bumblebee's a Mazda RX-8"
since you know...that is not a camaro and is a mazda rx-8. have i stressed that enough? that the pic is of a mazda rx-8 transformer

Stuff Daddy said...

Well, I didn't fool you, that is for sure... but in the Blog world, we can't be too picky with our graphics. You see a cute little transformer, in a ninja pose and you paste it there. Artistic License? Bumblebee is also Yellow not Red, in case you're keeping score. You win an amazing "No-Prize!" (That's a Prize Marvel Comics used to give out to Fans who gave them unwanted explanations to obvious or seemingly obvious errors in continuity. It consisted of an empty envelope.)

Anonymous said...

thank you, ive never won anything before, i will hang the prize on my wall

Stuff Daddy said...

You are Welcome! Cheers!